Deadspin has a fun this-time-of-year tradition: an annual north-to-south rendering of the most awkwardly shaped and least pleasant objects that people in the U.S. got stuck in their various holes throughout the course of the soon-to-be-concluded year.
Per the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits, during 2016 people got fake diamonds stuck in their ears, pebbles from fish tanks jammed up their noses and many other items lost in throats, vaginas, penises and butts.
Women and men who work in the sex industry generally know a thing or two about what can and cannot be inserted into any given bodily orifice, but I also never want to assume. Here are a couple of rules of thumb regarding insertables in conjunction with the sexy body orifice big three: vagina, penis and butt.
You may know all this info already, but maybe your friends online don’t. Do everyone a favor: share.
People in possession of vaginas and clitorises and vulva actually experience more sex-toys-gone-wrong incidents associated with over-stimulation, versus lost objects. For instance, overusing a vibrator can cause chronic clitoral numbness. The design of a vagina makes getting objects stuck inside them more difficult.
That didn’t matter for these unfortunate people though. Here are some things that got stuck in vaginas during 2016:
- Three golf-ball-sized bouncy balls.
- Knotted rope.
- Pointy toy pig.
- Half a bar of soap.
- Sharpened pencil.
- “Boyfriend stuck bottle in vagina, the cap came off and got stuck.”
- “Put a bouncy ball in her vagina, it’s stuck, was masturbating.”
According to the dictionary, sounding is the action or process of measuring the depth of the sea or other body of water. It’s also the practice of inserting plastic or metal “sounds” — long, thin and very smooth objects — into one’s urethra.
If you have a urethra, you can sound, and sounding is something that many people like to do. Sounding, however, is absolutely not something you should do with a DIY sex toy. In case you think that’s common sense, here are some things that got stuck in penis urethras in 2016 (seems like DIY sounding to me):
- Pen cap.
- Sandal buckle.
- Three-inch straight pin.
- “Carved down piece of domino, incised penis, inserted domino piece into penis, now wants it removed.”
Lovehoney has a good basic guide to sensible sounding right here.
Say it with me now: “flared base.”
Anal toys, often colloquially referred to as butt plugs, are specifically designed to be wide at the base. This helps make sure that the whole object is not accidentally inserted into the anus. If an object is fully inserted in the anus, the muscle that surrounds the rectal opening — the anal sphincter — will close and trap the object inside the body.
Now yes, your body is capable of passing waste from inside to outside with relative ease. But when we’re talking about an item with a fixed shape that is not specifically designed for anal play, passing that object from inside to outside is not as seamless a process.
Getting something stuck in one’s body can be painful, costly if you need to go to a doctor to have the object removed, and very dangerous. Pro tip: Never assume something is too long to become trapped inside your anus.
And finally, in case you think this is common sense, here are some things that got stuck in butts in 2016:
- Wine cork wrapped in paper towels, electrical tape and a condom.
- Possible shot glass.
- Nail cuticle tool.
- Curtain rod.
- Handle of a toilet bowl brush.
- Bowling pin.
- Broom handle.
Read the list on Deadspin here.
Did you get something stuck in your butt this year? Tell me about it! Email firstname.lastname@example.org.