I recently came across this question on an online forum – a woman lets non-payment slide in one space because compensation has increased in another with the same client. So, of course, the client then starts edging in in other areas, infringing on the rules and making assumptions.
This question here is about escorting, yes, but the community responses really offer some good insight about boundaries – specifically, setting and maintaining them when clients, members and fans try to push on them. Because one that that unites all humanity is the tendency to nudge your way in deeper, if possible, especially wehn catching feelings (feel or imagined) is involved.
Let’s consider the question:
I’m a Tgirl who has had a regular over the last four months that has gone from seeing me twice a month to every week. Recently he gave me a $100 raise per session.
About six weeks ago, he invited me out for coffee but didn’t offer to pay me my hourly after we met. I felt slighted, but the slow season was beginning and he was a good regular, so I let it go. We had our regular session a few days later with the new raise. I figured this is pretty good. This week he took me out to lunch again. We eat, and that’s that. He has been texting me a lot more lately, maybe four times a day and now he is calling saying he loves me. He’s also expressed a desire for me to get out of sex work. I’ve played along but with no intention of getting out the biz. I talked to my other escort friend, and she feels like he has been grooming me all along.
I’d like to keep him as a regular, so I am willing to play along and expand his GFE, but I’m unsure exactly how to upsell that. What should I do? Any advice would be appreciated.
Regarding the GFE, one person said: “You need to make it clear that if he wants a girlfriend he needs to pay for your time.” Another person also suggested, “I would encourage you to establish what your boundaries are.”
Here, the advice is very clear:
Don’t see him without payment, don’t see him without payment and don’t see him without payment! Don’t wait for him to offer to pay. Tell him how much your time costs. When you agree to see him without payment, you’re blurring the very clear line between a transaction and a favor. If he wants to see you, he has to pay. If you don’t like how he talks to you [regarding romance], clear it up that it’s not appropriate or dump him as a client. You’re running a business.
Regarding the subtle trickery leading into GFE:
My immediate impression from your narrative was “This guy is trying to bribe this girl into a relationship.” Super duper not good!
I know you may have had a pleasant relationship with him so far, but his actions seem to follow a tactical pattern for his own advantage. Dump him, analyze how he has tried to manipulate you and — in your rage against his manipulative tactics which you have overcome — double up on your advertising, improve your ads and your website and attract clients that are respectful of your boundaries.
Regarding the white knight/save you from sex work complex:
If he’s asking you to get out of sex work and he wants to establish a relationship, honestly, I don’t think you’ll be able to draw that [pay for the GFE] line with him. If he’s saying he loves you, I don’t know if it’s a good idea to keep going with this guy.
I would say communicate tactfully but clearly that you’re in it for $$$ and not a relationship because if he’s not clear on that shit could get really weird — potentially really bad weird. Dudes who say “I love you” and are clingy can react pretty poorly when you have to draw a line.
Honestly, you can either run or fully take advantage of him falling in love with you. I suggest the latter. Tell him the gifts and time with him are lovely, but you’ll never afford to get out of the sex industry if he’s trying to score “freebies” with you. If he questions you at all, ask why he thought you were worth the money at the start and not now.
PS I’ve been down this road. They take what they can get for free. We grew feelings for each other (even though he’s married) and took nights per week for free.
Erika Chan is a sex positive people watcher (and writer). Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org.