Note: Dailymail.co.uk is not known for its hard-hitting, in-depth investigative journalism. I recently came across this piece written by British sex expert Tracey Cox titled “What men REALLY want – from the women they’re most honest with” though, and I had to take a closer look.
According to Cox, the women men are most honest with are sex workers, including escorts and cam models. So, let’s consider what Cox reported. Do these patterns ring true?
Coupled up or otherwise, why do men reach out to sex workers?
“Obviously, sex is a strong motivation for all of these relationships,” Cox wrote. “But it’s not just sex – and sometimes, not sex at all – that motivates men to seek out ‘other’ women.”
Cox seems to be zooming in on men who are in some form of relationship here. Also, reading through the story, she seems to only be focusing on heterosexual, gender-normative couplings. So, keep that in mind.
According to Cox, if it’s *just* sex that’s lacking in a relationship, men turn to porn. (I wonder how she knows this?) “It’s when something else is missing – that’s important to them — that they step outside to meet their needs,” she then wrote.
The Change Up
Dudes get bored. So they look for some new, novel preoccupation.
Cox wrote that one respondent told her: “My wife and I have sex once a month and she’s not open to trying anything new. If I was getting the amount of sex I want and adventurous sex, I wouldn’t seek it elsewhere.”
It’s important to note that, as Cox reported, respondents overall felt that having some outside sex and/or stimulation in these circumstances was okay — but having a full on affair was not. This made me wonder, though, what counts as an affair? Based on context clues in the story, it seems like sustained IRL interactions are grounds for an affair. Infrequent IRL interactions and interactions via tech — be they sustained and/or infrequent — are not. No mention of interacting with the same person was mentioned here, though I bet that’s also a factor.
Cox wrote that, “Nearly all the men I interviewed did not consider interacting with a cam girl as an act of infidelity.”
Maybe you’ve experienced this? You’re starting out in a new relationship, and literally everything the other person does is AMAZING. Fast forward six months, and maybe they’re still amazing — but boy do they also have some gross ass habits and irritating ticks.
Dudes with the ol’ ball and chain — same. And vice versa. As men are (supposedly) looking for something new and exciting, women are seeing these same men through a lens that lacks a bit of luster.
Cox wrote, “There’s nothing like an affair to give you an ego boost and make you feel better about yourself. Affairs are all about pin-point focus: you become the only two people in the world. Reality recedes and it’s as flattering as hell.”
Regarding a sex worker he interacted with, Cox reported a respondent saying, “She makes me feel important. She admires me. When I look at my wife, I see disappointment in her eyes. I don’t think I’m half the person she thought I’d be.”
So, in addition to looking for a thrill, dudes are looking for someone to uncritically fawn over them — perhaps even in spite of day-to-day sticking points that may be good opportunities for improvement?
Sexual Exploration, Other Fun
According to Cox, “another common reason why men seek sexual services outside their primary relationship is to indulge in a ‘kink’ or activity they’re afraid to ask their partner for.”
She reported that one respondent stated, “I can suggest activities I would never suggest at home with my wife. It’s a huge adrenalin rush to be able to push my boundaries.”
This is all well and good, but it also points to some interesting holes — namely, did this guy ever bother to suggest whatever it is he feels like suggesting? I am guessing no. So, though this lack of communication clearly facilitates space for the sex work marketplace, it also provides clues regarding the overall, general nature of the type of clientele that may populate the customer base.
Respondents also reported liking the fun sexy things their partners no longer do. “[Men] like the nice undies, legs shaved, hair done. Men see these things as things done for them. It makes them feel special,” Cox wrote.
So Much More…
Cox kept going. She reported men liked the confidence boost sex workers provided, the lack of judgement, the “affection and connection,” the company, feeling desired and wanted and — meh, meh, meh about this last one — the notion of getting “a good deal.”
It was really interesting to read Cox’s findings. The entire piece is like a laundry list of job requirements and tips for success for sex workers — like, things to do to keep members, clients and fans coming back. Her findings, however, also pointed to some frustrating characteristics presumably present in established heterosexual couplings — which… who even wants to deal with all that?
Erika is a sex positive people watcher (and writer). Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Header image via Unsplash here.