Dear Lola—What can I do about fans who want to tip one token and get a whole show? I’m losing my mind dealing with these freeloaders! Signed—Frantic in Freeport
Dear Lola—What do I do about guys who want to tell me I’m too [fill-in-the-blank]? This guy the other day was straight up telling me that I’m kidding myself being on cam, and that I should retire. I know I shouldn’t let it bother me, but I just keep thinking about him. Signed—Agitated in Augusta
Dear Frantic and Agitated: By pure coincidence, your two correspondences landed in my inbox in the same week. First off, let me say how sorry I am that you have to deal with this nonsense. Timewasters and trolls are always going to be a part of this job, unfortunately. It’s draining, it’s rude, and it you certainly don’t deserve it.
If it’s helpful at all, it’s my opinion these jerks must be pretty damaged themselves. After all, it’s hard to imagine someone who:
- Feels good about themselves
- Gets the kind of sexual attention they desire
- Has plenty of money
taking the time out of their day to shit-talk cammers. These people are losers pretty much by definition.
My top-line advice is the same for both of you: block and move on.
To get personal for a moment, this is one of the aspects I struggled with most when I did sex work. Especially when I was younger, I didn’t take care of myself as well as I should have. One of my deepest regrets now, looking back, wasn’t that I cut off or fired customers too quickly, missing out on whatever money could’ve been made there. What I regret is all the times I waited too long to defend myself against their garbage.
I let abusers live rent-free in my head with the message that I wasn’t good enough, charged too much, or was a failure for doing this work in the first place.
But the fact is, self-protection in sex work is easier said than done. Especially for those of us raised female/femme, we may have been ingrained to always be polite, to engage with anyone who speaks in our direction. That mindset, however, does not always serve us. Exhibit A: online bullies count on our compliance and get off by behaving in ways they could never get away with IRL. Encounters like these offer us an excellent opportunity to practice undoing some of that cultural programming.
Give yourself permission to get rude.
It’s all well and good to take steps to protect ourselves from outside mistreatment. However, sometimes the worst abuse we face is from the mental beatings we give ourselves. It helps to be aware of two especially pernicious, self-defeating forces: poverty consciousness, or the belief that there isn’t enough for us or people like us, and Imposter Syndrome, the feeling of doubting our abilities or that we belong. Considering the daily onslaught to our self-esteem that we face as sex workers, it’s all too easy to fall prey to these demons.
Here’s how I recommend combatting poverty consciousness: never forget that there will always be more fans. The Internet is swimming with plenty of possibility, and a new fan is born every minute. There is simply nothing to be gained from engaging with anyone who doesn’t want to pay for your show. Save your energy for those who are willing to spend.
As for Imposter Syndrome and those haters who look to insult, demean, harass, or tear you down? There’s a special circle in hell that awaits them in the afterlife. But until then, always remember: YOU are the one who belongs online, giving a great show, turning people on, making the world a better place, and your REAL fans agree! Creeps don’t get to participate in the sexy fun.
My final advice is to keep checking in with yourself to be sure your fans give you the kindness, generosity, and encouragement you deserve, weeding out any dead weight.
It doesn’t happen overnight – it’s a process that takes time and intention to cultivate. The goal is to build up a fan base that nourishes your heart, mind, body, and bank account. You and your business are so worth it.
Until next time, be sweet to yourself.
—LolaD.
Lola Davina is a longtime veteran of the sex industry and author of “Thriving in Sex Work: Sex Work and Money,” her follow-up to the formative “Thriving in Sex Work: Heartfelt Advice for Staying Sane in the Sex Industry,” available wherever books are sold. You can find audio versions located at Audible, iTunes and Awesound.
Contact Lola at Lola.Davina@ynotcam.com and visit her on Twitter at @Lola_Davina.
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